I want to share my story about suffering from chronic pain (Fibromyalgia) and how I am moving through it to a happier life. If my story helps put one person on the path to freedom from suffering than it was worth sharing.
Since I can remember I’ve experienced annoying aches and pains mostly in my shoulder blades. I never thought anything of it. I think I may have assumed most of my life that everyone suffered these pains as a result of just moving through life, so to speak. My Mom tells me that since she can remember I’ve complained about my shoulder blades hurting and bras being an annoying source of physical aggravation.
I’m a 38 year old woman and a few years ago the pain got a lot worse. It came in waves sometimes for a day, sometimes a week or even two months straight. I wish I had made notes of what was going on in my life every time the pain was present. In hindsight I can see the stress, the anxiety, the unease in my life and the connection between that and my physical symptoms. Whether it’s the cause or merely an exacerbation of something else is still up for debate. I will tell you though that now I listen to everything my body tells me and respond accordingly.
I experience without a doubt a major connection between my poor physical health and my unease in life/anxiety/resistance to life and circumstances/unhappiness. I feel this manifest as blocked energy and I know this because I am setting that energy free and feel the undeniable difference.
My pain at first felt like sore, tired muscles. Then it evolved and became so sore I wondered what I did to myself. Trying to remember any accidents or mishaps I might have forgotten. Time went by and the pain got increasingly worse. I struggled to define it for my husband and my doctors. I had many visits to the doctor in tears, unable to even hold my upper body up. The only way I could describe the pain is it feels like someone has beaten me with a metal baseball bat. When I would sneeze, or cough the pain was so scary I thought at times I was having a heart attack.
Last year the pain increased to the point where I had it every day for a year. It just never went away. It also migrated to my chest, mostly under my left breast and in between my breasts. It felt like my bones were plagued with pain. As if I were hit by a bus. I began to get scared. Working full time, taking care of a family and functioning in everyday life and all the things you have to do became impossible for me. Grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, all those simple everyday things were impossible to perform. I worked many days with tears streaming down my face and it wasn’t self pity it was pain so bad that my body had no idea how to respond or react to it. Sometimes I would shake and tremble and tears would just roll.
The burden of not being able to do the simplest of things took a huge toll on me, my husband and family. My husband could not understand what was wrong with me. What is this mystery pain? How can this really exist? Is it for real? Is she faking? There were times when I felt as though he didn’t believe me. Does he think I’m lazy? The doctors not being able to diagnose or treat me and their utter lack of validity to my claims did not help enroll my husband into lending me the support I needed and their reactions did nothing but deepen my despair. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? If no one believes me how will I ever get help?
I tried anti inflamatories, pain killers, anti anxiety medication and more. Nothing would ever give me any relief. The doctors seemed utterly uninterested in helping me. I decided I wanted to start eliminating certain diseases and other chronic problems and so requested many blood tests, x-rays, sonograms, mammograms, and physical exams. All were normal. No one could find a damn thing wrong with me. They all told me I was a super healthy 30 something. There was nothing for them to say or do except that it’s possible I might have Fibromyalgia which cannot be definitively diagnosed. One doctor actually said to me, “There’s nothing I can do for you but Fibromyalgia is really in right now and there’s some new drugs on the market that can help you with the pain and side effects.” I know, unbelievable.
The drugs my Doctors suggested were anti-depressants and in some cases medication for schizophrenia. As I said to the doctor, “I’m not a depressed person nor am I schizophrenic. Chronic pain is getting me down but come on.” Those drugs have a lot of potentially dangerous side effects, have not been on the market long, and you have to be weaned on the drug and therefore weaned off at some point. I still can’t wrap my head around the logic of taking a drug like that for something they are unable to definitively diagnose.
I declined the medication offers and walked away with a non-narcotic pain killer (pretty mild) for those days when the pain is so bad I need something to help take some of the pain away and a huge problem that no one could see, understand, or care to and I was suffering to the point I wanted to die.
I had very little money and needed to find a solution to the problem. So I turned inward and began to get spiritual. I began to pray and read books and came to the broad conclusion that I was resisting the flow of life and therefore unhappy and riddled with anxiety and fear. Trapped in my past, reliving it’s perceived negative moments over and over and over again creating this massive block of energy.
With this instinct I went for acupuncture and did it twice a week for about a month until the whole experience just became sort of unpleasant physically. Either the needles would hurt me or lying there would become unbearably uncomfortable and the Dr. would leave me alone and not check on me. I suppose I didn’t feel safe and at peace and the relief was only minimal. I did however experience brief periods of relief which I hadn’t had for a year and felt genuinely validated that there was indeed blocked energy. I took that as a sign that I was closer to a solution and I felt hopeful.
By some random turn of events I was introduced to a seasoned and might I add very kind healthcare professional who referred me to an energy healer/polarity therapist. A very talented facilitator of self healing indeed. My instincts told me to go for it. Pain has a way of either paralyzing you or leading you to action.
It was through my energy healer that I learned a little more about energy and its ability to flow or not flow and how that ultimately affects the mind, body and spirit. I began to understand my body is designed and fully equipped to heal itself. But, my body can not heal itself in the midst of chaos and noise (so to speak) and in particular when my mind works hard against me. Incessant thinking is not conducive to healing. The mind is an amazing tool but ultimately not who we are. I learned that giving myself quiet and stillness is what provides the sacred space for healing to occur.
After my first session she said I must get into the Restorative Yoga class that Friday night downtown. She felt very strongly I go and so I did. The teacher spent about 2 minutes whispering to each student prior to class and when it was my turn he wanted to know what I was feeling, any problems, pains, illnesses. When I told him he showed me great compassion and gave my body exactly what it needed. I felt relief afterwards. Ah ha.
My mother signed me up for the Fibromyalgia Network Newsletter and shortly after I received my first electronic issue and as we all know there are no accidents as I had just taken the Restorative Yoga class. The theme of the newsletter was how yoga is providing relief for Fibromyalgia sufferers. I learned that people are suffering like me and yoga is transforming their lives, essentially giving them their lives back.
I began to become more aware of my symptoms as I read about other people’s symptoms. Things began to make a lot more sense and I began to feel a lot less crazy. I started to note patterns and triggers of my acute fibro pain. My triggers seem to be PMS/menstral cycle, sudden weather changes (especially drastic changes in barometric pressure), stress, fear, anxiety, upset and things of that nature. I experience tremendous pain in my shoulder blades and chest plate and at times feel feverish with sensitive skin. I also get plagued with heavy fatigue, loss of memory and hyper sensitivity to certain sounds, things and foods.
It’s amazing how resourceful you can be when you are in serious need of help. I found www.meditationoasis.com and along with CD’s from the public library I was stopping and giving myself 20 minutes to meditate. I searched for guided meditations specifically for healing and pain management and deep relaxation and let me tell you they work. I was stopping my mind and allowing my body to heal. I was starting to get through the day easier. I was managing pain.
The second issue of the Fibromyalgia Network came out and again it was all about positive results from yoga for sufferers just like me and I knew I needed to try it. I started a Google search for a yoga studio closer to where I lived and worked. I knew I needed a yoga home that offered Restorative and other more “healing” yoga styles. I needed a spiritual depth to my practice.
My Google search led me to the Blue Anjou, a small studio with a huge heart and an enlightened and loving approach. I began my practice, my journey to self discovery and healing on December 10th, 2010. I went about 4 times a week and within 2 weeks I was completely pain free. The pain just disappeared after over a year of chronic suffering and a lifetime of sporadic pain. I practice a variety of yoga that incorporates meditation along with breathing and other spiritual practices. My anxieties are melting away and I am changing.
Needless to say I go about 4-6 times a week. If I don’t go I feel the pain begin to creep back and old habits knock on the door. At first I thought I couldn’t do it, schedule-wise and money and everything. And then the benefits began to increase way beyond the need to heal physically and so I decided to make it a #1 priority. If I am able to practice yoga and meditation daily I am able to be present and pain free. The happier I am, the better I feel, the happier those around me are, the better quality my life is, my work is and the more I am able to love and give and be happy.
I recently read Eckhart Tolle’s, The Power of Now and A New Earth and I feel a huge shift has occurred in my life as a result. His teachings have inspired me and my yoga practice and my life is transforming and deepening in such a positive way. The Joy of Being, or the stillness I experience in my yoga practice is strengthening my immune system and allowing my body to do its work, to heal itself, to let go of the past, to live in the now, to quiet the mind. I am now taking this beyond the yoga studio walls and into every aspect of my life. I am more balanced, grounded and aware. I am pain free.
Every once in a while I have a bad day. For instance, not long ago I had PMS and a huge thunderstorm blew through and it went from really hot to really cold. I felt a very heavy fatigue, soreness in my shoulder blades and chest plate, body aches and an overall unease. Other irritations seemed exaggerated like restless leg syndrome and other discomforts. So I took a mild non narcotic pain killer (prescribed by my doctor for occasions like these) and was kind to myself. I took a break from heavy responsiblity and accepted doing the mimimum that day to get by. Since I hardly ever take anything now it gave me enough relief, I slept well and recovered within a couple of days. I try to remain flexible enough to surrender peacefully, not resisting what is, when I have those days.
If you experience things like unease, anxiety, depression, pain, migraines, arthritis, addiction, unhappiness, and an overall resistance to life my advice would be to go within. and open yourself up and investigate yoga, breathing, meditation, books that will awaken your senses and offer new hope and possibilities. Start a new journey of self exploration and be open to change.
Some great books that have given me much to think about: